Embracing the Big I, Letting Go of the Little i's: A Journey to True Identity

I never really thought much about self-concept and identity until the pandemic. Of course, I was aware that we label ourselves in specific ways, take on identities and view ourselves in particular ways. I understood that these labels, identities and ways we see ourselves impact our self-esteem and how we show up. I applied labels and viewed myself in a certain way, which undoubtedly influenced my thoughts, feelings and behaviours in various aspects of my life. But it was during the pandemic that I realised just how much identity can impact our mental health. One day, I was a hypnotherapist, and hypnosis was my life, and the next, I wasn't.

It left me questioning who I was. If I wasn't a hypnotherapist, what was I? It was a challenging time for me, and it put me in a depression. With no work and too much time on my hands amidst the uncertainty of what would happen in the world and thinking I'd die of COVID-19, there was a lot of introspection, and that inner critic had a lot to say for itself. I started labelling myself as boring, anxious, depressed, uncertain, and more besides. But I was not those things. They made up who I was, but there was more to me than that. And that brings me nicely to the concept of the Big I/little i's in the intricate identity landscape.

Envision the big I as the encompassing self, transcending our more superficial and transient aspects of who we are. Conversely, the little i's are the countless aspects of ourselves that we mistakenly let define our entire identity, for example, our appearance, achievements, relationships, and more. Understanding the distinction between the two can lead to profound self-acceptance and an authentic sense of identity and, in the process, reduce that inner self-critic.

To better understand and apply the Big I/little i concept, look at the diagram shown above, adapted from the coaching work of Neenan and Dryden. This visual representation serves as a guide, illustrating the relationship between the core self (big I) and the various aspects of our lives (little i's). This concept features in the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach to helping self-esteem. Focusing on the big 'I' empowers us to approach life from a position of strength. When concentrating on the little 'i's, we risk entering attack mode, labelling ourselves based on perceived flaws. The key to self-acceptance lies in recognising that no individual component, positive or negative, defines who we are entirely.

Prof Windy Dryden, a leading expert in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Rational-Emotive Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (REBT), tells the story of a client session in which he poured a jug of water down himself and asked his client, 'Am I stupid?', to which his client responded 'No' to. Windy commented that he had done something stupid, but that does not make him stupid. This example fits nicely into the Big I little i concept. The pouring of the water over himself was a little i; by remaining focused on the big I for his sense of self, he didn't take on the identity of a stupid person. Sure, the event still happened, and it's a part of his history and who he is, but it does not define him.

Imagine judging your entire worth based on a single culinary mishap in the kitchen, dismissing your culinary abilities entirely. Just as burning a dish doesn't make you a terrible chef, the little i's in our lives don't define our entire identity. The big I invites us to acknowledge and learn from these moments without letting them overshadow our multifaceted selves.

If you recognise the tendency to define yourself through individual moments, labels, or experiences, whether that’s a mistake, a period of low mood, or a perceived flaw, it can feel as though your entire sense of self becomes reduced to that one aspect. The Big I / little i distinction offers a different way of relating to yourself. Rather than becoming your experiences, you can begin to notice that they are something you have, not something you are. This shift can create space between you and the inner critic, making it easier to respond with perspective rather than self-judgement. Of course, in practice this isn’t always easy to do, especially when certain labels have been reinforced over time or tied to emotional experiences. Many people intellectually understand this idea long before they are able to feel it in a consistent way. If this resonates with you and you’d like support in moving from intellectual understanding to lived experience of self-acceptance, hypnotherapy can help you work more directly with the patterns that keep these identities feeling fixed.

You can book a free 20 minute discovery call to explore how I might be able to help you strengthen a more flexible and compassionate sense of self.

References:

Flexibility-Based Cognitive Behaviour Therapy: Insights from 40 Years of Practice by Windy Dryden

Life Coaching: A cognitive behavioural approach by Michael Neenan & Windy Dryden