Strengthening your boundaries
We have many boundaries. The most tangible of these is our skin which marks the limits of our physical body. We have another boundary which extends out past our physical self known as our personal space. We’ve all experienced what it feels like when someone invades our personal space. It doesn’t feel great, does it?
In my hypnotherapy training, I recall an exercise we did in pairs on general proxemics, that is the amount of space that we feel is necessary between two people for them to feel comfortable, at ease and safe. Now that space between therapist and client in a consulting room would be quite different from that of two friends or family members. And that too would be very different from that of two lovers. Unlike our skin, this boundary, our personal space, is much more variable depending on who we are with at the time.
We also have other boundaries such as emotional, psychological and relational, to name just a few. Regardless of the type of boundary, it is there to protect you in one way or another.
We are all unique human beings and have our limits on what is safe and appropriate. Healthy boundaries help to safeguard us by maintaining our limits, allowing in whatever enhances our life, but at the same time keeping out those things that might detract from it. Healthy boundaries can benefit us in numerous ways. They allow you to make choices that are in your best interests, ensure that your needs are met, help you stay aligned with your values and goals in life, builds self-esteem and confidence, empower you, and aid positive physical and mental wellbeing, among other things. Your boundaries both define you and allow you to be yourself.
Sometimes our boundaries are not how we want them to be and don’t protect us quite as they should. So here are 10 ways to help strengthen your boundaries:
Picture your boundary. In ‘Boundaries - Where You End and I Begin: How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries’, Anne Katherine suggests marking out a circle on the floor with string and standing in the middle. Then imagine that everything inside the circle is you and that everything outside the circle isn’t. Then consider what fills up your circle of you. She suggests considering the following questions: What do you care about? What do you believe? What do you hate? What do you love? Who are you? What is attractive to you? What repels you? What do you value? What do you think about? What are you really like? What is acceptable to you, and what is not? This exercise helps to develop your self-concept, building your awareness of how and who you are. You might start to notice where your boundaries are strong and where they might be lacking, in addition to highlighting what needs to change. Doing things spatially can be useful, but if you don’t have space, you can do this exercise purely in your imagination.
Notice the boundaries of others. Observe other people in their interactions. Notice how they behave in situations and see if you can notice when they enforce their boundaries and when others overstep them. Building our awareness of other people’s boundaries and how they respond to them being tested, can help you to notice where you’re boundaries are and the state they are in.
Build your awareness of your boundaries. We can only start to make changes once we are aware of what we’re doing or not doing. So awareness is key. Start paying attention to how you are at work and home with the people in your life. Notice times when you asserted your true self and the times when you didn’t. Notice whether you had a clear sense of self or not. Notice whether you felt your boundaries were clear or a little fuzzy around the edges. You might find it useful to close your eyes and visualise the interaction to help you to better reflect on the experience and take note of what was going on.
Be more aware of your feelings and thoughts. Your thoughts and feelings will be what alerts you to the fact that your boundaries are being tested or that you’re not enforcing them as you would like to. When I first started as a hypnotherapist, I remember fitting clients in whenever they wanted an appointment. That would often mean me seeing clients at odd times of the day with massive breaks in between. When I was booking someone in I always had this sinking feeling and even as I was writing that person’s details in my diary I was saying to myself “This isn’t convenient for me. I don’t want to do it!” This is an example of where my feelings and thoughts were highlighting to me that my boundaries were not established or strong in this area. So be aware of your thoughts and feelings in situations. Listen to them and take action where necessary.
Permit yourself to have boundaries. This is incredibly important if you are a people pleaser. You might think that if you assert yourself, say no to doing something, or disagree with someone, you will upset the other person. That they will think less of you. It may cause you to feel like you’re being selfish and then feel guilty too. But by always putting the other person first, your boundaries are more likely to be weakened and this potentially can lead to being taken advantage of. Why does everyone else deserve to be pleased and not you? You have the right to be treated with respect and to feel safe in your day to day life. So permit yourself to have healthy boundaries that nourish you and protect you.
Practise self-care. Do things that you enjoy, that nourish you, that are good for you. When you look after yourself and show care and compassion towards yourself, you will respect yourself more and feel more inclined to uphold your boundaries.
Rehearse enforcing your boundaries. Practise what you would say in response to someone who is crossing your boundaries. The more you do this, the easier it will be to do it when you are in the situation for real. You can just speak out loud about what you would like to say. Speak to a teddy or your cat! Or if you have someone who would be kind enough to roleplay things with you then that can be very beneficial. I used to hate roleplay exercises but when I learnt assertiveness training as part of my hypnotherapy qualification, which features quite a bit of roleplay, I realised how powerful it can be. You can also rehearse enforcing your boundaries in your imagination.
Boundary breathing. Imagine that with each breath you breathe in, you breathe in the resources that are conducive to maintaining healthy boundaries for yourself, such as confidence, courage, strength, self-compassion, etc. As you imagine breathing in these resources, imagine those feelings spreading throughout your mind and body. And as you breathe out, you breathe out self-doubt and any other negative beliefs, thoughts and anything else that is unhelpful to you maintaining your boundaries.
Step into a you with boundaries. Imagine that in front of you is a mirror which reflects a version of you who has healthy boundaries. Imagine what that would look like. Spend some time ‘crafting’ that person in the reflection. Then, step into the mirror, into that version of you who has healthy boundaries. Try it on for size. Notice how it feels to have those boundaries in place. Imagine going about your day with those boundaries. Notice what’s different and what stays the same.
Repair and strengthen your boundaries. Imagine your boundary around you. Imagine what it looks like. What it feels like around you. Notice its state of repair and disrepair. Do whatever you feel you need to do to repair and strengthen the boundary. Imagine it getting stronger and stronger with each breath you take. Imagine moving anything inside the boundary that no longer serves you outside of the boundary. Such as people-pleasing, saying ‘yes’ to everything, etc. Imagine moving any resources that are currently outside the boundary inside such as self-acceptance, self-love, self-compassion, honouring yourself, putting yourself first, etc. Spend some time enjoying the newly strengthened boundary. Notice how it feels to be inside your boundary. Imagine going about your day with that newly repaired and strengthened boundary.
Being assertive and enforcing your boundaries can take time. By building your awareness of your boundaries, deciding on what is acceptable to you and that which isn’t, and practising enforcing your boundaries, in your imagination, roleplay, and reality, you’ll find that you have healthy boundaries that protect you and empower you.
Hypnotherapy is also very effective at helping you to be more assertive and strengthen your personal boundaries. When I work with clients for this, we delve deeper into the tips I’ve given above and explore other avenues too.